From a word document I made in August 2018
Ice cream has some very rare and unusual properties, including fluidal matter changes, which annoys physicists. Fluidal matter changes refer to the ability of a substance to change the amounts of heat needed for it to change its state of matter with no change in air pressure. It sets its melting point just below the current air temperature when in a container that it can leak from (e.g. a cone) and far above the air temperature when in a tub. It uses its psychic properties to detect when these conditions are fulfilled (covered under biology). Another unusual feature that annoys physicists is its one-way magnetic field. When placed in the centre of the room, ice cream exerts a powerful magnetic field on every human in the room, and they are drawn to it by the powerful magnetic field. Everyone will rush towards it with such speed that it will be knocked to the floor. Unfortunately, the magnetic field is one-way, so it will not be attracted to the humans around it, instead staying on the floor, to the dismay of onlookers. So-called "experiments" involving Donald Trump, ice cream and cliff edges have all failed, partly because the researchers were attracted to the ice cream unintentionally, but mostly because ice cream tends to melt when exposed to the horror of orange skin.
Ice cream annoys biologists because it can exert psychic properties on its surroundings, yet it shows few signs of being a known type of lifeform, despite psychic forces as strong as the ones ice cream can use needing a living mind to concentrate them. It uses these properties to irritate the long-suffering human trying to eat it. Psychic properties are rarely found in nature. Other than ice cream, the only object with psychic properties is an umbrella, which can turn invisible or lock shut when a large amount of rain is predicted. The ice cream can detect when a human is waiting for it to warm and become easier to scoop from the tub. It can also detect the intention of a human to fetch kitchen paper in case it melts, and will do all it can to melt before the kitchen paper is brought. There have been cases of an ice cream taking both 30 seconds and 30 minutes to melt depending on its container in the same room. Ice cream also seems to have access through its psychic properties to be able to express spite, a state of mind until recently thought to only be available to politicians, leading to the speculation of it being a new type of lifeform. It transfers psychic energy into the gums of the eater, causing immense pain and a freezing sensation. Tests have been conducted to see if ice cream can use its psychic properties to interpret tarot cards or interpret palm lines. When ice cream is subjected to these tests, it melts immediately. Experts are not sure if the ice cream is merely being spiteful, or the shape of the puddle means something. The only useful results so far are warnings of a giant chocolate-flavoured puddle. More tests have been conducted to see if it can last for a long time. The results have shown that as long as it is not subjugated to degrading treatment, such as being eaten, removed from the freezer or asked to tell fortunes, it can last indefinitely. However, attempts to transfer this immortality to humans has not gone at all well, with there being many cases of the scientists carrying out these tests being found melted in a sugary puddle on the floor.
Chemists tend to hate ice cream, not least because it melts and makes all of their complicated lab equipment become sticky, but mainly because it tends to go against the rules of reactions. It performs in a reaction mostly with one other reactant: children. These two are unstable substances: ice cream tends to melt, and toddlers tend to go into a frenzy whenever they see it. Since these two are unstable, there should be a reaction in which a lot of energy is released. This is true, for the toddler will become hyperactive and go into a terrifying frenzy of charging all around the room. However, this does not result in a stable compound. Also, even though it is unstable, the product cannot be separated back into the original reactants. The child will want another one, and if denied one, will enter a stage of radioactive decay, otherwise referred to as a meltdown. This will cause all adults in the room to experience minor health complaints such as tiredness or dizziness, with these consequences slowly getting worse and progressing to confusion and possibly fainting. The only possible way to stabilise this nuclear tantrum is for the toddler to get knocked out from running into something whilst in a frenzy. Research is underway to see if ice cream can be developed into a method of stabilising a toddler reactor if in a meltdown state.
The experiments discussed in the paper have few details for a reason. Do not try to replicate them unless you want to melt in a sugary puddle too. It will upset your family, waste police time, and worse [sic] of all, make a mess on the floor.
Back to main page